I recently become conscious of my sedentary lifestyle by reading about research that took place over ten years. It said that on average you can live 14 years longer by (1) eating more fruit and veg (2) not smoking (3) not drinking alcohol to excess and (4) taking regular exercise. Of these, 2 and 3 sort themselves out very nicely. Number 1 was slightly harder, but still is not a huge sacrifice, so I can now say that is also imlpemented. Number 4 is the tricky one, seeing as my work and my spare time is usually spent sitting in front of a computer or on the sofa.
My wife suggested that (4) could be implemented in part by some hard work in the garden, which I thought was an excellent idea. So on Wednesday night, fortified with some dinner, I headed out into the garden armed with spade, gardening gloves and bucket. Job #1 was to clear the ivy out of the hedge. Our neighbours have lots of ivy which tends to grow into the hedge and needs pulled out regularly to avoid it choking the hedge. Having spent Wednesday evening researching wasps, I NOW know that this is exactly the sort of place that hibernating wasps love to hang out at this time of year. I also know that if there's one thing that really annoys hibernating wasps its people reaching in and yanking out undergrowth. Anyhow....
So there I am down on all fours pulling ivy out of the hedge when I see a movement, hear a buzzing near my ear and then feel a sharp pain, like getting an injection, just above my left eye. Instinctively (and stupidly) I slap myself on the face, feel an ever sorer sharp pain, look at my hand to see a dead wasp on the palm of my hand!
By now my mind, having been subjected to 7 years of primary education, 7 years of secondary education, 4 years of graduate education and 3 years of postgraduate education has concluded that "I have just been stung by a wasp". First thing that needs done in this situation is to seek out sympathy, and medical attention. Thankfully for me I can get both from my darling wife. Of course, having a doctor for a wife also means that you get the cold reality of modern medicine, rather than the more comforting ineffective-but-placebo-type home remedies. She looks at the sting, by now swelling noticeably, and says "well, you're not allergic to wasp stings". Mmm... small relief I guess. Second thing "at least it didn't sting Grace [our 4 month old daugher]". That's a much bigger relief, actually! I say (helpfully) "do you put bicarb of soda on wasp stings?", but no, apparently that's an old wives tale for which there is no medical evidence in support. So I get a lump of ice wrapped up in a cloth.
Armed with my ice, and calming down a bit, I go out to find the dead wasp, just to satisfy myself that it really is dead (which it is). The whole episode has taught me lots of lessons:
1) Do not rummage in deep undergrowth in June.
2) Wasps are spiteful, impatient, grumpy insects.
3) Wasp stings hurt a LOT, although not quite as much as I had imagined.
4) Bicarb of soda is ineffective on wasp stings.
5) You look ridiculous with a swollen eyebrow.
6) It's hard to sleep with a wasp sting throbbing away.
7) Wasp stings still hurt 18 hours after the event.
8) Revenge is sweet.
